My Life Reviewed - A Review of Everything I Use - by Consumer #1337

Game Review: Orange Box - Portal

2008-06-09T14:30:00.022-04:00

The Internet is filled with crap. And you know what? I'm calling it the "Intercrap" now. I’m re-inventing the Internet!…wait, I mean the "Intercrap!!" and calling it out for what it is. And games? Well, most games are designed by asshats who say things like "DUDE, Zap that in the microwave DUDE", or "That's Rockin'!", and look back at "It's a Dell" fondly. Now, please excuse me while go take a shower after typing those words.

Sure, there are quite a few good games out there these days, and some cross into the “really good” realm, but how many are AWESOME? And I’m talkin’ all CAPS here.

"AWESOME!" How many? Well, I couldn't think of any...until now.

Story goes: I go out one day and buy Orange Box, because I want to try Team Fortress 2. I’ve kinda gotten bored with first-person shooters lately, but it looked really cool and fun. And it was really cool, and fun.

P.S.: By the way, I really don’t like EB Games. They are evil zombies that should be slapped with a dirty fat stick that has a smelly sock on the end and rusty nails sticking out of it. Why? Well, I would define EB Games as the “Sorry, we can’t do that” store. Ask them for anything, try it, and the first word that comes out of their mouth is “Sorry…”, then fill in the rest. If I say "Hi", they say "Sorr...oh, I mean Hi".

Off topic.

Anyways, so I buy Orange Box from EB Gay and go home to play it. Meh, it was fun, but nothing I would drool over. Weeks pass, and I’m off playing Age of Conan: Hyborian Adventures (pretty good, but still doesn’t beat WoW yet), Assassin’s Creed (soooo close to AWESOME, but the game play is a bit buggered sometimes), Guitar Hero III (alright, maybe this game is AWESOME, but let’s ignore that fact for now).

One day a friend of mine reminds me that Portal comes with Orange Box. He is a stupid geek, and I ignore him most of the time (yeah, that's right Brian), but I decide to let his echoing nerdy voice in my head tell me what to do for once, so I sit down to play Portal.

I mean, like, I eat an Age of Conan sandwich every night now, with a side of World of Warcraft Fries, and Guitar Hero for dessert. But after I loaded up Portal, I couldn’t stop. I finished 90% of it that same night (which sucked because I had work the next day and didn't get much sleep), and then finished the rest of the game off the next day. Then I played it over and over, and finished all the advanced maps and timed maps, then played it all over again, and then again.

I must say…

…this game is A.W.E.S.O.M.E.

Yes, all caps. Even periods too.

I mean, the game-play is fun, sure, and the puzzles are challenging and enjoyable, but that isn’t what makes it so awesome.

The intelligent, dark humor…the really cute voice of the robot…the super cute voices of the sentry guns…the "heart" cube…the cake…all of it: such pure enjoyment. I haven’t simply and purely enjoyed a game so much since…well, I think, ever. And the best part of the whole thing was the song at the end. I have downloaded it onto my iPod and I listen to it all the time now.

…I’m being .so. sincere right now.

That line keeps repeating in my head over and over. And I’ve had a smile on my face for a couple days now because of this game.

In all honesty, I would recommend buying Orange Box mainly for Portal, and the other games are just a bonus.

Oh and I've added the ending song (Portal Ending Song Video), which is now officially the greatest game song ever (ever) [ever], and I walk around humming this song all day.

Well done Valve. An A+ and a "Yes, Please".

- Consumer #1337

20 Reviews @ 20 Words Or Less: (Seriously)

2008-05-22T13:14:00.049-04:00

Freaking Crap. What an AWESOME IDEA! I mean, sure, it won't be as awesome as the picture to the right, but it's close...
.
Im going to review 20 things using 20 words or less for each review.
.

LET'S GOOOO....

.
1- Carrots (www.carrotmuseum.co.uk): More oranger than oranges, precious things like diamonds and gold are judged by them, and I can EAT them. A+

2- Logitech Z-2300 2.1 Computer Speakers (Product Link): THE BEST 2.1 speakers on earth. I never ever exaggerate either.

3- Zebra Sarasa 0.7mm Medium Point Gel Retractable Pen (Product Link): I love this pen. I use it for drawing, writing, scribbling, defacing, gouging, poking, scratching, cutting and playing darts.

4- Guitar Hero III For PC (community.guitarhero.com): Damn you "Through Fire and Flames". I can only get to 70% on Hard.

5- Kate Beaton's Online Comics (www.katebeaton.com): One of the most intelligent and funny online comics. Definitely a favorite. Canadian History: Now With 82% Less Suck.

6- White Boards (Wiki): White. Fun. And I sometimes draw diagrams on them for no reason at all. Lunch? Let me draw a diagram!

7- Domestic Vehicles: S.U.C.K.

8- Blackberry 7290 (Product Link): Whoever designed this phone was probably related to Richard Simmons, but was even more retarded...and gay.

9- The Pakistani Accent (A Fine Example): Fun to do. May lead to involuntary dog kicking and changing your internet providings.

10- Secret Broadcast (Myspace): Super awesome indie canadian band. They kick your ass, and then hand you the bill for the shoes they used.

11- Internet Slang: lolololololololololololololololol Roflcopterwtfbbq. www.lolthemovie.com lmao...wtf?

12- Talking To People While The Are In The Bathroom At Work: I DON'T FREAKING GET IT. GO AWAY. I'M TRYING TO PEE HERE. Stupid WIERDOS... (Im not the only one who hates this)

13- Logitech MX Revolution (Product Link): Could be better, but it is the best mouse on the market. Too bad the MX1000 has been discontinued.

14- Japanese Drum n Bass: So much better than I expected. It-a kicks-a you asso, HAI !!! Check out The Future Sound of Tokyo. Awesome.

15- WestJet (www.westjet.com): Better than Air Canada. Better seats, nicer staff, cheaper flights (usually) and I can use expired creditcards to order movies.

16- Dove Beauty Bar (Product Link): Really gay name. Embarassing for men to buy. Best soap I've used to date.

17- Global Obusforme Ergonomic Chair (Product Link): Simply wow...it cost about $600 and totally worth it. Holds your back in ways you never thought possible. A+

18- That New White Correction Tape Eraser Crap (like here): Please stop making them. Everyone should just go back to the good old liquid white-out (like here)...pleaaase.

19- Albian Village (the "camp" where I stay when Im working up in the oilfields in northern Alberta. There is a review here before it opened HERE): Place designed by idiots, rules set up idiots, everything run by idiots, and inhabited by a large population of idiots.

20- Me: I know how to type. I can't tap dance tho.

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the above-posted demonstration of time-wastery. Send me a comment if you have anything to say...such as a comment.

- Consumer #1337

Aaaand Back...

2008-05-19T10:18:00.005-04:00

Knight Rider says: "Bellbottoms are A.O.K.!"

Sorry for being away for so long. Although I don't expect anyone to break into tears of joy, I will act like you care anyways.

I've decided to start writing reviews again. I've been busy playing World of Warcraft (I deleted the old review, since it totally sucked and Im gonna write a new one for the heck of it), and I've been working on my new comic (its pretty stupid). I've also been working endless hours (big money up in here them oilfieldses).

What will the upcoming reviews be on, you ask?? Well, I'm not sure, but I think I might do some on online comics, computer desks, personality types, pants, shaving razors, piercings vs tattoos, tourettes vs epilepsy (which one is more fun to watch?), swear words, hair cuts, clothing stores, bands/music, more video games, TV shows, french people, pillows, work out programs, hot famous women, cool famous guys, the lamest person on earth (or the biggest douchebag, whichever), my OWN comic (damn straight!), shoes, best jobs ever, coolest haircuts ever, the best pickup lines ever (like, the REAL best ones, not the stupid ones), aaaand many others.

So, stay tuned...if you are even still there. lol

- Consumer #1337

Movie Review: The Last Mimzy

2007-09-19T16:06:00.001-04:00

The Vitals:
The Last Mimzy
Plot Outline (from IMDB): Two siblings begin to develop special talents after they find a mysterious box of toys. Soon the kids, their parents, and even their teacher are drawn into a strange new world and find a task ahead of them that is far more important than any of them could imagine!

The Sorty:
Wow, have I been gone a long time or WHAT? That, my friends, is life. LIFE! Ok, well maybe not LIFE, but at least life.

So, I was sitting around the old housey (aka the house) and thought "I should rent a movie through that stupid, slow 'On Demand' thing that my cable company offers. I hardly ever use it." That led me to search through some previews of what was available, and I came across a strange movie that I'd never even heard of before....The Last Mimzy. Yes, I live in a box. I had never heard of it before.

I was raised watching movies like E.T. and Star Wars. I was raised seeing some of the biggest classics of this century come to life. For quite a few years, I've wondered whether some of the newer movies could ever stack up to becoming a "generation classic", and I really think that The Last Mimzy really could become just that, more than almost any other I've seen in the last 10 years.

This movie really takes a step up in giving into the fact that computers and electronics are a part of our daily lives. The first 30 minutes of the movies is filled with LCD televisions, PSPs (Play Station Portables), iPods, and other electronics. At first I thought it was a part of the plot itself, but I later realized that it is simply a modern depiction of our current everyday life. It is a bit strange to see, but the fact is that movies today have not really given into the reality of just how much electronics exist in our daily and family lives.

So, without giving away too much, I must say that this is definitely one of the top 5 movies I have seen in the last 10 years. The storyline is simple enough for kids to understand it and really enjoy it, yet complex enough to keep parents and adults very involved. The characters are all lovable, even the big bad "cop", and the parents are a good balance of "close minded parent" and "understanding and loving", so you are not overly frustrated with them not listening to the kids (parents just don't understand, right Mr. Fresh Prince??) The visuals are really beautiful and not overdone. I really am impressed with this one.

And Rainn Wilson has managed to get out of his office and into a classroom! How awesome is that?? Really good casting choice here.

Anyways........

.
The Verdict:
I can see no other way of doing this other than classic Siskel and Ebert style: Two Big Thumbs Up! A Must See.

- Consumer #1337

E-mail Review: Gmail (Google's E-mail Service)

2007-06-13T12:20:00.001-04:00

The Vitals:

Gmail (Google Mail in Germany and the UK)

Free web-based e-mail and POP3 e-mail service

The Sorty:

Most of us who know about Gmail will wonder why I would deem it worthwhile to write a review on such a well-known e-mail service. I mean, no one today would bother writing up a review of "Hotmail", now would they?

But after hearing "G-what" from hundreds of people who asked me for my email address, I realized that many people simply do not know about Gmail.

Gmail is my favorite e-mail service. It is an ingenious interface, very easy to use, extremely efficient, and totally headache free.

Hotmail is looking uglier, slower and more annoying every day I use it. The attempt to create a web-based version of Outlook, in my opinion, was a bit of a failure. I find the interface a bit confusing, difficult to use, and often slow and laggy. Keep in mind that I have one of the fastest computers on the market and the fastest internet connection my service provider offers for residential use, so the problem is not on my end.

What is so great and fancy about Gmail, you ask? Let me count the ways...

1- Virtually endless amounts of storage space (almost 3GB and counting). I have never had to delete a single email due to space restrictions. Albeit, I DO delete e-mails once in a while, but never due to necessity. Stupid hotmail sends me regular RED warnings commanding me to delete some stuff or they will. It is so very nice to never worry about how much space I have left. Sure, Hotmail has recently upped their total storage space, but I can't simply forget a decade of threats and warnings simply because they were forced to catch up to Gmail's awesome ideas. I mean, hotmail only did it because someone else did it, and they were afraid of losing clients, not because they CARED about how much space they offered their clients. Screw Hotmail...yeah, that's what I say. Where are my Black Panther homies?

2- Conversation-based e-mail browsing. This is an awesome feature. Rather than having 30 e-mails, one above the other, of a back and forth discussion between me and someone else, Gmail groups all conversations between two people on a single topic in ONE clean, layered section. So, the main page shows "Me, Kermit The Frog (24)", meaning that I had a discussion with Kermit that involved 24 e-mails (combined) between me and my little green friend. After clicking on this line, a new window opens with all the conversations layered one over the other, like in a filing cabinet, with the last one showing. If you want to read any of the previous replies, you simply click on the "tab" and it opens that single e-mail up, and leaves the rest all neatly filed in a nice pile....a filing pile!

3- Super efficient searching. Up until recently, hotmail's search engine sucked. Now they have caught up to Gmails search-it-all-really-fast, but I still prefer Gmail's search engine. Just a personal bias, really.

4- A really neat filtering system. You can star (really, it is an actual star) conversations for future reference. For example, I "star" conversations that include information such as usernames, passwords, and similar important information that I know I will forget in a month or two. When I need to remember it, I simply click on the "Starred" filter button and KAPOW!! All my starred conversations show and everything else disappears. How freaking easy is THAT?

5- Spam filtering. I find that Gmail's filtering mechanism is very precise. I only recall a few times where an e-mail I wanted was sent to the Junk folder. Hotmail regularly sends around 20% of my real e-mail to my Junk folder.

6- Great login screen. Simple, clean, and remembers everything you want/need. Hotmail pisses me off almost every time. The username box refuses to memorize more than one name at a time, whereas the Gmail box allows you to choose from any previous login name you have used (and saves password as well after asking permission)...and also allows you to delete it from the list. Hotmail will only remember ONE name (never gives you a choice of multiple names, forcing you to retype your username/email address everytime anyone else logs in), but the worst part of all is when you log out. I get so annoyed when I open hotmail and someone else has logged in, so I click "Sign Out", and it sends me to the sympatico.msn.whateverthecrap.morecrap.com, where I have to hunt for the NEW location they put the link to Hotmail so I can go back.

I mean, try it...go to hotmail, log in, log out, and tell me how long it takes you to find the link to Hotmail again. I hate the MSN page...I hate the MSN Today popup that comes up when you login to MSN Messenger. I always disable it, but it always comes up whenever anything is reset.

Gmail will go back to their clean, clear login page when you logout...not to Google search, not to Google Blogger, not to Google News....but back to the Gmail Login Page. Is that so freaking difficult?

There are so many other great features in Gmail, such as Archiving, a built-in, easy to use chat system (I use it all the time now) that has the option of saving your conversations, but I suggest you try it out for yourself and you will see what Im talking about.

And hey, Google is the best search engine on the planet. MSN search sucks so bad, they should be a subdivision of Dirt Devil. aha...ahahaha....aaha....ha....*cough*...I made a funny.

But yeah, Google is the best search engine, Google Maps is the best map engine, Blogger is my favorite blog provider, Youtube owned Google Video, but now Google bought Youtube, so now Google is the best online video provider...I mean, Google simply rocks your boxors.

In conclusion, Gmail is simple, easy, user-friendly, welcoming, generous, delicious, and synergetic. Alright, maybe a few of those adjectives didn't make a whole lot of sense, but I wub Gmail and you should wub Gmail too.

The Verdict:

Gmail is bigger than Hotmail

Gmail is faster than Hotmail

Gmail is easier than Hotmail

Gmail is better than Hotmail

Oh, and Gmail is also better than all the other crap web-based e-mail providers too.

- Consumer #1337

Drink Review: Bottled Water

2007-05-28T12:35:00.001-04:00

The Vitals:
- Aquafina: Made by Pepsi
- Dasani: Made by Coca-Cola
- Evian: Made by a French Baguette somewhere
- Nestle Pure Life: Made by a Chocolate Man!

The Sorty:
As I took another sip out of my bottle of Nestle Pure Life water, I thought to myself "Why am I so freaking addicted to drinking water out of a bottle?" and then I thought "I should write a review about this!" The second thought is not really an answer to the first question, but hey, why do people buy Pontiac Grand Ams and Chevy Cavaliers? Nothing makes sense these days.

Yeah, so I chose my top four waters this time. Not because they are my "favorites", but these are the only brand names I could think of.

.
Aquafina
This is my "Aqua-who?" water. It is made by Pepsi (which I prefer over Coke), and is barely worth the mention. Tastes a bit funny, and I never buy it if I have another option, unless they only other option is Dasani.

The Verdict: Aqua-what? There are better choices out there. Forget this one. I did.
.

.
Dasani
This is the worst water I have ever drank out of a bottle. It is horrible. It takes like a Decepticon peed metallic urine into it.

If it wasn't the bastard child of Coke, with a massive marketing spin team, it would not have sold a single bottle.

You know what is REALLY great about it? It is bottled from municipal tap water. Yeah, that's right. It is bottled tap water with a bit of salt in it. Coca-Cola marketed this water as being "especially pure" and implied that it was spring water, but it was nothing more than treated tap water from a crappy, dirty town. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dasani

The Verdict: Paaaaaathetic.
.

.
Evian
It's interesting. The Evian story started way back in 1789. Crazy huh? The first bottle of Evian (well, jug actually) was made in 1826. Blah blah blah.

I really like Evian. I'm not sure what it is, probably mostly psychological, but I really like this water. It tastes clean and basically tasteless, but with a tiiiiiiny hint of natural sweetness, which is how water should taste. And I absolutely love the new "sport" bottles. The little push-button-to-pop-it-open top (I open and close it all the time), the hook/loop at the top for carrying and hanging, the very comfortable spout at the top, and the squeezy bottle, all offer a lot in terms of drinking comforts. Definitely my favorite bottle, but...Evian is still second place, mainly due to price.

The Verdict: Great, clean taste, awesome bottle, but still a bit too pricey.

.
Nestle Pure Life
How the hell did this make it to the #1 spot?? Well, a few very important factors:

For starters, the water tastes clean, and it is real spring water. Sure, not a real big deal, but at least it is authentic, unlike some other stupid crap companies. I can drink this water all day, and never be bothered by the taste.

But more importantly, is water is stupid cheap. I mean, I buy entire flats of 32 bottles (500ml each) for about $3.00. That is about $0.09 per bottle. Evian costs me about $2.00 per litre, which is $0.91 more per bottle than Nestle. Who gives a crap about where the water came from with prices like this. And Nestle tastes great.

Also, one of the wierdest reasons why I like this water is that it is called Nestle. It says "Nestle" right there on the bottle. When I drink it, you know what I think of? I think of Nestle chocolate bars. That's right. I drink this water remembering how much I like Nestle chocolate bars, and I enjoy drinking this water because I enjoy eating Nestle chocolate bars.

Pretty messed up, huh? Well, let this be a lesson to you in emotional loyalty marketing. If people are emotionally attached to something, it doesn't matter what you sell them (unless it is REALLY disgusting); they will buy it.

And the bottles are really nice to hold. They recently redesigned the bottle shape, and it is easier to hold and nicer to look at. Can't go wrong with that! Oh, and Nestle owns Perrier, so you know it's bottled by some aristocrat huffle puffle cravat wearing snob turd, .........right?

The Verdict: Tastes great. Very cheap. Nice bottle. Awesome psychological mess on my end of things. Definitely my #1 choice.
.

.
In conclusion, I leave you with one last, very profound piece of wisdom that all bottled water drinkers should carry, comprehend and consolvulat...erm...ness:

The next time you buy a bottle of water, remember what "Evian" is when spelled backwards.

- Consumer #1337

Computer Hardware Review: Everything Inside and Outside My Desktop Computer That Is Worth Reviewing

2007-05-23T12:43:00.001-04:00

"What the hizzle should I review today?" Those were my thoughts this morning. Yes, that is how I talk to myself when I'm homie stylez. "What the HIZZLE should I review today....??"

What was my answer, you ask? I'm so glad you are involved in my life choices...

You will, then, be happy to hear that the answer is none other than my favorite piece of electronic equipment in my house! My super happy awesome computer! Foshizzle with the electronic Bizzle, Hizzle!

Yeeeah, let's act like that didn't just happen. And also ignore the fact that I ended every sentence in that last paragraph with an exclamation mark. The words of the day are "Overzealous" and "Gangsta".

Back on topic, I personally hand-picked .every.single.component. inside and outside this computer. Everything, from the motherboard to the case to who got the commission, was carefully chosen, taking quality, value and performance into account. I spent months researching the whole thing. It was quite ridiculous, actually.

And I bought it all from Memory Express (gasp...I thinks I recalls an amazing review of this company right...here--> Memory Express Review Linky

Anyways, Im not going to review EVERYTHING in this computer (well, I think I did in the end), but I will review the most interesting pieces (yep, I reviewed everything). Some parts I will just mention to let you know that it is good, and not spend a lot of time explaining, and other parts I will make you wish you never got me started on.

...and away we go:

The Vitals:

1- The Motherboard: ASUS P5B-E
2- The CPU: Intel Core 2 Duo E6420
3- The Heatsink: Zalman CNPS 8000
4- The Powersupply: Enermax Infiniti 650W Modular Power Supply
5- The RAM: Micron Original 2GB DDR2 PC2-5300 (with D9 chips!)
6- The Hard Drives: 1 x Western Digital Raptor 74Gig 10,000rpm, and 1 x Seagate Barracuda 320GB 7200.10 SATA drive with 16MB cache
7- The Soundcard: Sound Blaster X-Fi XtremeGamer
8- The Videocard: BFG NVidia 8800 GTX Overclocked
9- The Case: Lian Li PC-V600B Mid Tower, Black

The Sorty:
The Motherboard: ASUS P5B-E $189.95
Nothing really worth going into other than it is a very good motherboard, very low price, and has very decent overclocking capabilities. My first choice was the P5B Deluxe, which has so many awesome bells and whistles - and is my #1 recommendation by far, but I wanted to cut my costs and the Deluxe was $60CDN more, so it was dropped. I'm very happy with the P5B-E nevertheless, so definitely a great choice for those who want to save some money.

.
The CPU: Intel Core 2 Duo E6420 2.13 GHz w/4MB Cache $239.95
I had initially chosen the E6600 2.4GHz processor, but I later realized that it is pretty easy to overclock the E6400 processor to 3.0GHz, so I could save some money there (about $40 difference). But then the E6420 processor came out, which was $20 cheaper than the E6400, AND had 4MB cache instead of a 2MB cache, so it was obvious who the winner would be. Needless to say, this is a fantastic processor, and I am so very impressed with the stunning speed this little chip offers. Overclocking is a breeze and I have had no problems until this day.
.

.
The Heatsink: Zalman CNPS 8000 Ultra Quiet Low Profile CPU Cooler $49.95
I originally chose the Arctic Cooling Freezer 7 Pro, which is truly a cooling legend, but unfortunately my case was a bit too small for it, and I was forced to get the CNPS 8000. Now, don't get me wrong, this is an excellent heatsink, but it's just not AS good as the Freezer 7. So, if your case can fit it, get the Freezer 7, but if your case is a bit small, then go for the CNPS 8000.

.
The RAM: Micron Original 2GB DDR2 PC2-5300 $90.95
Now, I chose this RAM for a number of reasons. One, Micron are the guys who make everyone's RAM chips. Yes, pretty much any RAM you see has its chips made by Micron, so why not go with the original? Two, these chips are D9 chips, which are the Rolls Royce of chips. If you are gonna buy RAM, make sure it has D9 chips. Three, I chose PC2-5300 instead of PC2-6400 mainly because this particular RAM performs differently than other brands. It will run cooler for longer than other chips, especially when overclocking. It's really a long story, but it saves money (about $40 difference) and allows for safer, cooler, and more stable performance.

.
.

The Powersupply: Enermax Infiniti 650W SLI-Certified Modular Power Supply w/Triple 12V Rails $199.95

Yeah, this was overkill, but man is it pretty. First, it is modular, so you don't have any unused wiring running through your case. If you don't need it, you simply disconnect it, and if you need more cables, you simply connect one and presto, BZZT. Second, the cables are really pretty. Sure, what a lame reason, but they look so nice inside the case. Third, this thing is dead silent. I hate noisy fans. Fourth, I'm running an 8800 GTX video card that is overclocked and needs TWO powersupply cables to power it, so extra preparation is a step in the smart direction. And the last reason for this powersupply unit is that they were out of stock on everything else that I wanted. My first choice was the Corsair HX 620W Modular Powersupply w/Triple 12V Rails for $169.95, but it was out of stock. Ah well.

The Hard Drives: 1 x Western Digital Raptor 74Gig 10,000rpm $199.95, and 1 x Seagate Barracuda 320GB 7200.10 SATA drive with 16MB cache $89.95
The Raptor is the best choice for your main hard drive, since it is extremely fast and much more reliable than a RAID setup. Some people will argue that RAID is faster, or whatever, but the difference is negligible and the reliability difference is significant, not to mention the user friendliness. If the Raptor blows up, get a new one. If one of the RAID drives turns into anti-matter and travels into netherspace, what do you do? Most people won't know how to recover their system. The Raptor is a bit noisy, I must say, but freaking crap is it fast. Put your operating system, games and all heavy-use software on this drive, and all your other garbage (movies, music, stupid programs) on the second, storage drive.

As for the Barracuda, aside from the really cool name, it is one of the most reliable drives, and one of the most affordable on the market. The one I got is 320GB, which is more than enough for storage and backup...at least for now. If you run out of space, get another one. Wowie. Hello Rocket Science.
.

.
The Soundcard: Sound Blaster X-Fi XtremeGamer $76.95
Not much to say other than this is a fantastic upgrade from onboard audio. What a massive difference. Anyone who listens to any sort of audio on their computer should upgrade their audio, and the XtremeGamer is an exceptional choice. There is no point getting anything higher up in price, since all you really get is just the front face plate, and anything below in price has different components and pretty much sucks.

.
The Videocard: BFG NVidia 8800 GTX Overclocked $719.95
Sigh, this was such a big money pit, but this whole computer build revolved around this one card. What can I say about this dream card? All reviews are raving, drooling, blabbering love letters. I run over 100 frames per second at high (but not max) settings, and a solid 60 frames per second at maxed out settings with high-end games (your eyes can only notice the quality up to about 60 frames per second, but since fps fluctuates, the higher the better). Keep in mind that most average video cards are lucky to hit 40 frames per second. The quality of colors and images is so far beyond anything else I've seen, it's beyond words. Even my desktop background is more vivid, deep and spellbinding. Wow...no question about it, if you can afford this card, don't even think twice about buying it.

And don't worry about which brand to buy. They are all pretty much the same.
.

.
The Case: Lian Li PC-V600B Mid Tower, Black $199.95
A number of years ago, I fell in love with the Mac G5 aluminum tower (Google "G5 Tower" in Images and take a look at it). It was the most beautiful computer case I had seen. Since that day, all computer cases have had to measure up to the G5 tower. When I saw the Lian Li V600 case, I finally found a case that looked like it, but wasn't a cheap knock-off.

Lian Li makes some of the best cases on the market. Their quality is truly exceptional. Even the silver accents, the buttons, everything is made from high quality aluminum and metal; no cheap plastic. Sometimes I look at their cases and I'm amazed at how relatively affordable they are in comparison to the build quality. I initially wanted the V1000 case, which is a larger tower, but it was almost $100 more, so I decided to go with the smaller mid-tower.

Airflow in these cases is far above average, and is almost too good. My computer room is always very warm due to all the heat from the case being shoved out the vents via the three huge fans. It even cools the hard drives for you.

Everything has big fat thumb screws, the hard drives slide in and clip in, the fans come off very easily, and the aluminum is all polished inside and out - not that gross, ugly, rough crap that fills most cases - even the parts that most people won't see.

Without a doubt, the V600 (or the V1000 if you can afford it) is my top choice for a case, and it comes in either silver or black.

And that is the end of my fun review of my super happy awsome computer. Happy Happy Hiro Nakamura!!

- Consumer #1337

Software Review: Microsoft Windows Vista Ultimate

2007-05-18T10:21:00.001-04:00

The Vitals:
Microsoft Windows Vista Ultimate 32bit/64bit
Installed: About a month and a half ago.

The Sorty:
A buddy of mine calls me up the other day and tells me that another buddy of mine who works for Microsoft wants to send us copies of Windows Vista Ultimate and Office 2007 Ultimate (I'll review Office 2007 at a later date) for next to nothing (staff pricing for the win). Needless to say, I said "zomgI'lltakethreeplsthnx:)!!1!"

The package arrives within 2 weeks and Im excited. At that point in my life (about a month ago), I had an old piece of crap computer that didn't really deserve the effort of installing a new operating system on it. I decided to wait until I bought my new computer (which I will also review at a later date) before installing my new software.

I sold my current computer and bought the new one, and the stage was set for the new install. Now, I have to be honest, at first I decided to NOT install Vista, mainly due to the compatibility horror stories I heard. I initially decided to re-install Windows XP and wait until some Vista patches came out to make it more user-friendly. Big mistake.

Most of you will not really get this next part. If you black out when you hear incomprehensible computer mumbo jumbo, then skip to the next paragraph, or just black out now. I had set up my new computer as a SATA RAID 5. Three 150GB Barracudas working together to offer lightning fast data delivery. The problem is that the Windows XP install CD did not have drivers for my particular RAID setup, and I spent 3 agonizing nights trying to get the damn installation process to recognize my drives. In the end, I lost some of my hair, some of my health, gave up on installing XP, and gave in to installing Vista.

I must say, the Vista install was, by far, the fastest operating system install I have ever experienced. It had all the RAID drivers I needed, and installed everything in about 30min. Initially I installed the 64bit version, but after getting error after error of "Cannot recognize drivers" or "failed to initialize drivers" or whatever, I realized that I have to install 32bit for now until more developers design programs to actually use 64bit OS. I uninstalled the 64bit version and installed the 32bit version. After this move, I was stunned by what happened next.

........everything...went....... smoothly. I could not believe my eyes. Everything worked. I was almost in tears.

Now, of course, this is not really that big a surprise, but things had been going so badly during this transition, and I heard so many bad stories about Vista, I was expecting the worst.

After (around) a month and a half of using Vista I have to say that this is the best operating system I have ever used, and Im a huge Mac fan. Yes, it is better than OSX. Microsoft, as much as I hate them, have integrated almost all the best Mac OSX features into Vista, such as the "Spotlight" search engine, Widgets, and a very (very) attractive user interface. Vista is really beautiful. Really.

So, Microsoft has really stepped their game up. They are challenging Apple Mac in the looks department - a department that Apple completely owned for the past decade - with one heck of an eye-candy operating system. Everything is so damn pretty in Vista. The "window" frames are transparent (but blurred like bathroom window glass - which looks great), and the windows open and close in a smooth flowing motion. When a window is minimized and you mouse over the tab, a little screen pops up showing you the contents of your minimized window. You are now able to Alt-Tab switch to the Desktop (previously unavailable in XP), the Start button - although filled with more buttons - is far more intelligently laid out and somehow easier to use. For example, rather than clicking Start, then All Programs, then waiting for the sliding screen to pop up, then carefully moving the mouse to the next section without losing it, then clicking Adobe, then waiting for the next slider to pop up, then carefully....you get the point, instead, you click on Start, then Programs, and the actual drop-down menu turns INTO all the programs, eliminating the stupid, annoying slide-out menus. What a friggin relief...I hated those damn things.

Microsoft is also catching up to Apple in the speed and efficiency department as well. Vista is more CPU efficient and faster at processing information (I'm too lazy to get my "references" for that litte nugget of info, but trust me, its really fast and efficient). The computer takes about 30 seconds to fully boot up and about 15 seconds to shut down. Of course, this is also related to my hard drive setup, but it is still much faster than XP.

As for compatibility, I have really had no problems. One or two programs don't work, and I just HAVE to have the only printer currently on the market with no drivers for Vista, but the benefits that Vista offers far outweigh any of the problems I have had.

And I have to say that the "Cancel or Allow" security feature is really not at all annoying. I really love those Mac commercials (yeah, I know, most of you hate them), but - in all honesty, and despite my being a Mac fanatic - those commercials are biased and misleading.

The biggest flaw in this new operating system is the price. $500CDN is obscene (not half as obscene as $800 for Office 2007 Ultimate) and I would never pay that much for a new operating system (or any software for that matter). Unfortunately, using your friend's copy is not really possible anymore with Vista (from what I can see and have been told, but you never know those hackers/programmers...go hackers go!) so you are stuck with either biting the bullet and buying the damn software, or waiting until it becomes cheaper. Of course, you can also try to make friends with someone who works for Microsoft :D.

In conclusion, Microsoft Windows Vista 32bit is the best operating Microsoft has made to date, and I dare say the best operating system this world has seen so far. I definitely recommend installing it. It is extremely fast, the layout is much more user-friendly and logical, it has great security features (which are also "Turn the @#$@% Off"-able), has lots of great new "why didn't they think of that before?" features, the install was as smooth as Velveeta (what ever happened to Velveeta anyways?), and is prettier than Gwen Stefani in that "Don't Speak" video.

....ok, well, maybe not that pretty.

The Score:
Install: 9/10
Compatibility: 7/10
User-Friendliness: 8.5/10
Looks: 9/10
Price: 4/10

Overall: 75/100

- Consumer #1337

Cleaning Products Review: Do It Yourself Carpet/Upholstery Shampooing

2007-05-16T17:22:00.004-04:00

The Vitals:

I'm not going to base this review on any brand of machine in particular, rather I'm going to review the process of shampooing upholstery/carpet as a whole.

The machine I used was the Rug Doctor Widetrack Steam Carpet Cleaning Machine. What a long name, yes I know. Although I don't have anything else to compare it to, it worked great, was very easy to use, and did an excellent job getting most of the crap out of my car upholstery. For what little information I have on these machines, I'd definitely recommend this machine.

The Sorty:

It was a cold and smelly...car. Yes, my car stank. I bought a 1991 Honda Accord for $2800CDN, so you know it's gonna stink. It is also covered in rust, but that is another Sorty (upcoming review on rust removal anyone??).

So, after owning the car for 2 weeks, I realized that the seats were disgusting, the trunk smelled like a dead rat exploded inside a garbage truck full of socks worn by that Numa Numa kid, and the carpets actually had little tiny smelly giraffes, tigers and hyenas farting all over them. Ok, well not the last part, but it was really horrible.

I started looking around for a car upholstery shampooing company. I found lots. Everyone wanted between $150 and $200 just for the seats and the trunk, not including the floor carpets.

I almost gave in to paying the $150, when my hot woman suggested that we rent a shampooing machine from the grocery store. My response was "What the frick?" (in my head of course...I don't want to be beaten up by an angry hot woman). I never knew that grocery stores rented shampooers. I looked into this insane proposition, and what do you know?? My hot woman isn't insane! It's true...and cheap!

I rented the machine (3 day rental) and bought the bottle of soap all for around $50 (+$25 refundable deposit). That is a bargain.

I took my new toy home, and prepared my car for the task. I vaccumed the whole car out, took all the crap out, and opened all the doors. I then added my soap and water to the machine, plugged it into an extension cord connected to my condo, and kablamo! My car exploded..........into a cleaning party!

The hardest part of the whole thing is bending over, pressing the handle firmly (to let the soap out), and pulling slooooowly across the material, while pressing as deep as you can. Man, it was tiring. I finished the whole trunk, the rear seats, rear carpets, and front carpets in about 2 hours. I left the two front seats for the next day, since I was meeting a friend that evening and didn't want to force him (and myself) to sit on wet seats.

All in all, it took me about 3 hours to finish the whole car. The water in the shampoo machine was almost black from the horrid sludge that was removed from my upholstery. It was such a beautiful sight.

The machine is due back tonight, so Im going to do the whole car over again before I take it back, just to make sure the whole car is as clean as I can get it.

I must say, it is such a wonderful feeling to get into a previously filthy car and know that you are now sitting in a deep-cleaned environment. I also polished all plastics and (fake) leathers with Lysol Disinfecting Wipes, and then sprayed every inch of the car down with Febreeze Anti-Bacterial. Did someone say overkill?

In conclusion, I strongly recommend that anyone who wants to have the interior of their car deep cleaned due to a stain they spilled, or because their car is old and gross, should go rent a machine from a grocery store and do it yourself. You will save a pile of of money, you will know that you did a thorough job, and you will realize that, if you were the one charging someone to shampoo their whole car, you too would charge $150+. Man, my arms were tired.

I would have liked to try shampooing my condo's carpets as well, but my condo is brand new and the carpets don't need it.

The Score:

Why Do It Yourself: If you are on a budget (or just prefer to save your money for better things), or don't trust some kid cleaning your car, or like to do things hands-on, or don't like waiting for an hour or two while your car is cleaned, or maybe you have a thing for renting mechanical objects.

Why Take It To The Professionals: If you are lazy, have lots of money, like to read magazines at car detailing shops, have a bad back (or no one with a good back), are prone to flooding cars from the inside, or are petrified of trying something different.

- Consumer #1337

Automobiles Review: Cars I Have Recently Test Driven

2007-05-14T17:29:00.002-04:00

The Vitals:

Cars:

2007 Honda Civic EX

2007 Mazda 3 GT Sedan

2006 Mazda RX-8 GT

2007 Mazdaspeed 6

2006 Infiniti G35 Coupe

2005 Audi A3 3.2 S

2002-2007 Subaru Impreza WRX and STi (yes, I've driven every version)

SUVs/Minivans:

2007 Mercedes-Benz B200 Turbo

2007 Mitsubishi Outlander

2007 Nissan Murano SE

2007 Subaru B9 Tribeca

The Sorty:

Below I will review all the new cars, or at least newish cars, that I have test driven recently. When I research a car I would like to buy, I research the matter exhaustively (and I mean that pretty literally) until I come to my final decision. People are usually really annoyed with me by the end. I'll try to keep things brief, so I don't bore you to death.

2007 Honda Civic EX

Pros: Good price, roomy, big trunk, great on gas, nimble, and it's a Honda.

Cons: I hate the shifter position, car feels uncomfortable inside, I don't like the new gauge design, I hate the angle of the front windshield, and the sales lady was really annoying, she wouldn't shut up the whole time.

Overall: The car is great statistically, which is why it won so many awards, but in my opinion, the car is not comfortable and feels empty.

Who will buy this car: 50% Honda lovers, 40% Economy Freaks, 10% People Who Can't Afford Anything Faster.

2007 Mazda 3 GT Sedan

Pros: Looks fantasmic, very comfortable inside, really pretty centre console, very reliable car, and I loved the quality of the projector headlights.

Cons: Not very powerful, ugly rims, and trunk is a bit narrow.

Overall: I loved this car. The drive was nice, the quality was top notch for the class of car (nothing felt "cheap"), and it would work great as an economical family sedan.

Who will buy this car: 40% Mazda Enthusiasts, 40% Bandwagon Jumpers With A Good Eye For Value, 20% Men Who Were Coerced By Their Wives To Buy It.

2006 Mazda RX-8 GT

Pros: Very agile, rear-wheel drive, cool rear half-door, very comfortable interior, rotary engine (see "Cons"), car looks purdy.

Cons: Not enough power, not enough headroom, rotary engine (see "Pros"), virtually no rear seat, a tad expensive.

Overall: How disappointing was this car? Wow...it was like a starving little bird seeking food for the past three days, and when it finally finds a piece of bread on the side of the road and swoops down to get it, and *WHAM*, it is smashed by the headlight of a 24-wheeler. Yes, that disappointing. This car is made for small people who don't know too much about performance cars or maybe they have enough money to compensate for this car's shortcomings. Man, what a weak follow up to the legendary RX-7. This car accelerates like senior citizen on a tricycle, and almost has as much headroom as a motorcycle helmet. The car handles great 'though. The best and worst part about these cars is that they have rotary engines. They can handle massive amounts of power, but only a few mechanics know how to work on them, which means that you will likely be destined to be raped by the dealerships for the rest of your car's life, and since rotary engines have problems with their apex seals - still - you are looking at an engine rebuild every 100,000kms. That ain't a cheap order.

Who will buy this car: 35% Short Single Men, 45% Short Single Women, 20% Bandwagon Jumpers Who Watch Too Much Fast And Furious.

2007 Mazdaspeed 6

Pros: All-Wheel-Drive, roomy, a cool keyless start thing, pretty on the inside, pretty on the outside.

Cons: HEAVY, poor handling, AWD system is crap, acceleration is crap.

Overall: What a piece of crap. This car feels like a boat, the hood is too high, and the car accelerates like it is towing an elephant on rollerskates behind it. ...I don't know how that works either. Anyways, don't buy this car.

Who will buy this car: 90% Mazda Enthusiasts Who Really Don't Know Jack About Cars, 10% Families Who Don't Know Jack About Cars.

Infiniti G35 Coupe

Pros: ZOMG one of the hottest looking cars on the road, very solid build, very luxurious, an exhaust note that will give you goosebumps.

Cons: Not powerful enough, heavy, mediocre handling, useless backseat, too expensive.

Overall: You might disagree with me, but what do you know? This car, for the money and hype, does not deliver enough power to carry its weight properly in my opinion. This car is a bling car, a luxury car, and not a real performance car. It looks incredible, the interior will drown you in comfort, but it is not a performance master.

Who will buy this car: 70% Players Who Want Bling And Want To Look Fast and Sound Fast But Don't Really Understand The Meaning Of Fast, 20% Old Men With Money Who Don't Want to Admit That They Are Now Too Old, 10% Married Women Who Want To Feel Important.

2005 Audi A3 3.2 S

Pros: Very decent power, fantastic transmission, excellent handling, one of the best interiors I have seen.

Cons: A bit too small, power is not upgradable much, expensive.

Overall: I fell in love with this car, and I am extremely critical when cars get expensive, since they should deserve such a high price, and man, I hate to say it, but this car deserves such a high price. The car had paddle shifters, which I hate 99.99% of the time, since they are usually a gimmick and take agonizing amounts of time to shift, but in this case, these paddles are linked to Audi's DSG transmission, which is QUICKER than Mercedes' AMG and BMW's DMG (is it still called that?) transmissions. The materials on the inside were beautiful to the very last detail. I was so very impressed with this car, but unfortunately it was too small for my needs, so I did not buy it. The main problem with this car is that the engine has very little room for upgrading, so whatever power you buy is all you are really gonna get.

Who will buy this car: 60% Audi Enthusiasts With Money (they usually do), 20% Families With Money Who Know Their Stuff About Cars, 10% Families With Money Who Simply Think The Car Looks Pretty, 10% Single Guys/Gals Who Simply Think The Car Looks Pretty.

2004/2005 Subaru Impreza WRX and STi

Pros: The most affordable high-quality AWD car in the world, one of the best AWD systems in the world, tons of power, extremely agile, highly upgradable engine, boxer engine rumble (droool), very high quality seats, controllable differentials (on STi), very reliable build quality, lots of headroom, FOUR doors, and the most enjoyable drive I have experienced of any car, period.

Cons: Cheap interior parts, gas guzzler, fragile transmission.

Overall: Yes, you might have noticed that I'm a big fan. I have owned a 2004 WRX for two years. I worked on these cars thoroughly and drove them to death. Heck, Im the president of the local Subaru Club (www.albertasubaruclub.com). I can't say enough about these cars. I had never been to a shop for any mechanical problems, not once in two years. The AWD system was a dream come true in the snow, where no ice or snow was too slippery to accelerate on. The car has tons of headroom, and is very comfortable on long drives (the STi is a bit less comfortable, due to higher performance shocks). The acceleration of these cars is phenominal, especially for this price. In all honesty, I can go on and on, but simply put, this car has the performance of cars double its price and has 4 doors to boot.

Who will buy this car: 85% Subaru Enthusiasts, 10% Old People Who Know About AWD Systems, 5% Australian Car Enthusiasts Who Think Subarus Are Made In Australia (yeah, thanks Mr. Crocodile Dundee).

And now the SUVs/Minivans (whew...this is getting long)...

2007 Mercedes-Benz B200 Turbo

Pros: Cheapest Mercedes ever, and...umm...it has a Mercedes logo on the front?

Cons: Numb, slow, uncomfortable, uncomfortable, uncomfortable and slow.

Overall: What a piece of junk. Man, I firmly believe that Mercedes is overrated. They are boring, sluggish, numb cars. I have driven about 10 different Mercs and I hated them all equally, even the SL500 convertible. These cars are for old people who love luxury and don't give a crap about performance. I couldn't feel the road, the acceleration was crap and I was fortunate enough to get stuck in traffic on the test drive, and I was so happy to never drive that car again when I got back. I almost made the salesman cry when I spoke my opinion of the car out loud while we were in traffic. He was visibly upset. Do not buy this junk.

Who will buy this car: 100% Family-Sized Bandwagon Jumpers Who Care More About Image Than About What They Are Driving.

2007 Mitsubish Outlander (fully loaded model)

Pros: Cheap, mildly attractive, roomy.

Cons: Slow, numb, sluggish, paddle shifters are a joke, and made by Mitsubishi

Overall: I was so excited about this car on release day. I went in and sat in it and was still impressed-ish. Then I drove it, and it all went to shizzle. Mitsubish skimps again. The car was slow, hardly any decent acceleration, handled badly even for an SUV, shifted slow and sloppy, and as time passed, I began to notice how cheap the interior felt. Mitsubishi looks like a faltering company anyways, so I personally would not buy any car from them, except, of course, for the Evo - their one and only good vehicle product.

Who will buy this car: 70% Families That Can't Afford Anything Better, 30% Families That Can Afford Something Better, But Don't Know Jack About SUVs.

2007 Nissan Murano SE

Pros: High-quality build, CVT transmission, very beautiful exterior, very beautiful and comfortable interior, adjustable pedals, lots of room all around, excellent rear-view camera, good traction and stability controls, well priced.

Cons: CVT transmission is still a bit new and quirks are unknown, driver's seat doesn't go down far enough for me (Im 6' 3") aaaand...I can't think of any other cons.

Overall: What an impressive SUV. The drive was exceptional, despite my attempts to make the car lose control, everything about it felt luxurious and well placed, and was the most affordable SUV of this calibre I could find. Simply put, fantastic.

Added Note: Some people have raised concerns about the CVT transmission, mainly a strange rumor that you lose more power through it than a regular automatic transmission, and the answer is that CVT loses LESS power than a regular automatic transmisson. It is an excellent new advancement in automotive technology that will surely replace all automatic transmissions. It is cheaper to make, cheaper to replace (costs about $500 to install a new CVT, and about $2000 for a new "automatic"), loses less power, shifts like smoothed butter (you don't feel the shifts at all...just one straight acceleration feel from start to top speed, no pauses for shifting...I loved it). Once the CVT has been tested more thoroughly, it will most likely make all automatic transmissions obsolete.

Who will buy this car: 40% Family-Sized Nissan Enthusiasts, 30% Mothers Who Know A Good SUV When They See One, 25% Husbands Who Are Prodded Into Buying One By Their Wife Who Knows A Good SUV When They See One, 5% People Who Like To Drive An SUV That Is Called "Pig" In Spanish (yes, that is what "Murano" means).

2007 Subaru B9 Tribeca

Pros: All-Wheel-Drive, the most nimble SUV I've driven, one of the roomiest and best laid out interiors, boxer engine, a front end that is wierd at first but is so lovable after you get used to it.

Cons: Expensive, only comes in automatic.

Overall: This is my #1 choice SUV for the price. Anything better than it (FX35/45 or Audi Q7) are way too expensive. When I first took it out on a drive, I was stunned by the fact that it did not feel like an SUV at all. All four corners of the Tribeca were easily "felt" and the suspension was spot on. The acceleration was excellent, the interior was so nice to look at (I loved the "sweeping" action of the gauges when you turn the SUV on), tons of room all around, and it is a Subaru, so AWD is standard, and not just any AWD either. The only complaints I had was that it was a bit too expensive and I wished it came in manual, since I had some big customization plans for this one. A very good example of what I wanted to do can be seen here:

http://www.worldcarfans.com/tuners.cfm/tunerid/7060517.002/country/jcf/subaru-b9-tribeca-by-cobb-tuning

Who will buy this car: 75% Previous Subaru Owners, 15% People With Just Enough Money Who Have Shopped Around And Know That This Is One Of The Best SUVs On The Market, 10% People With More Than Enough Money Who Have Shopped Around And Know That This Is One Of The Best SUVs On The Market.

There you have it. My experiences with cars in a nutshell. I have driven lots of other vehicles, so if you want anything else reviewed, leave a comment and make a request.

.
- Consumer #1337

Toilet Paper Review: Charmin Extra Strong with Flexweave Bathroom Tissue

2007-05-09T11:25:00.001-04:00

The Vitals:
Charmin Extra Strong with Flexweave Bathroom Tissue
Price ranges from around $4.99 to around $6.99 for 12 double rolls (equal to 24 regular rolls)
Available at most grocery stores

The Sorty:
Who the hell writes reviews on toilet paper?

It turns out I do.

We all use the stuff, and the quality of this particular type of product can either make our day or piss us off.......ooooh I made a pun.

And this particular product's contribution to the world of the toilet is so significant, in my opinion, that it very much deserves a slot in my review empire.

Now I will only be reviewing Charmin Extra Strong with Flexweave, and no other variation, since that is the one brand that I have used and currently use.

In my mind, there are three types of bathroom tissue: (1) The type that is extremely soft and breaks apart into tiny little dust particles at even the mention of moisture; (2) The type that is strong and holds together very well but feels like you are using newspaper to clean yourself; and (3) The type that is neither strong nor weak, and neither soft nor harsh...a mediocre compromise between the two, and not very satisfying either way.

This is how I have categorized bathroom tissue, up until I met Charmin Extra Strong with Flexweave.

I picked up a pack of 12 double rolls for something like $5.50, which is a decent price for 24 regular rolls, about 3 weeks ago. This was a totally random choice, since, to me, bathroom tissue were all mediocre compromises of one thing of another. I had no bathroom tissue loyalties.

Three weeks later, this is my analysis:

The Charmin commercials are true, you really do need to use less... a lot less. Previous experiences with bathroom tissue have taught me to use at least 5-6 squares at a time, whether cleaning my nose or otherwise. If Im going to using the tissue to dry a counter top (I'm sometimes too lazy to look for a proper towel), I would use over 10 squares to compensate for the fact that the paper will turn to complete mush. But not Charmin Extra Strong with Flexweave!

Two squares per application. I'm not kidding. Even today, after using this product for three weeks, I have not become accustomed to how little I need to use. When Im pulling off a square or two to clean my nose or otherwise, my brain is screaming "DUDE!! What the hell are you doing?? Grab some more!!! Why I oughta...."

....yes, I have issues.

Anyways, so it takes some getting used to, but all you need is two squares at a time for almost any application. Even when Im drying a wet counter top, I only use 4 or 5 squares now. It is really amazing.

If we calculate the number of uses per dollar comparison between the usual brands and this product, you will see that it is far superior value to all other brands.

For example: We have two rolls with 100 squares on each. Brand A is $4.00 and Charmin is $6.00. Let's assume that we are using the rolls for the exact same application each time. With Brand A, we use 5 squares per application (my average), and with Charmin we use 2 squares. This means that we get 20 uses out of Brand A, and 50 uses out of Charmin. That equals $0.20 per use with Brand A, and $0.12 per use with Charmin.

Just because the overall price is a little higher (and I even inflated the difference between prices), this does not mean that the product is "more expensive". Charmin is clearly better value, if used correctly.

And it is very soft too. Sure, not as soft as some of those Kleenex boxes with lotions, but for something this strong, it is very impressively soft.

There are two drawbacks that accompany such strength and softness: First, the tissue is a tiny bit thicker than normal bathroom tissue, so cleaning your nose might be a little harder (you know, when "mining for gold"). And second, the tissue does not break down quickly, which is great when used in small quantities, but if you ignore the procedure and insist on using lots of tissue, then you will likely plug your toilet...as I did.

But if you use the product as it was meant to be used, in small amounts that more than fulfill their purpose, then everything will be fantasmic...galactic, even.

So, in the end - so far at least - I am very impressed with this product. I have never been impressed with bathroom tissue before, so this is an impressive impression.

I strongly suggest buying Charmin Extra Strong with Flexweave the next time you buy bathroom tissue, and see how only two squares do it all.

The Score:
Strength: 10/10
Softness: 9/10
Nose Cleaning Comfort: 7.5/10
Toilet Piping Friendliness: 7.5/10
Value: 9/10

Overall Score: 86/100

- Consumer #1337

Furniture Store Review: The Brick Furniture Stores

2007-05-08T11:52:00.001-04:00

The Vitals:
The Brick - Retailer of furniture, mattresses, appliances, electronics and computers.
Locations all across Canada

www.thebrick.com

The Sorty:
I have known of The Brick since I was a little teenie boy...teenier than teenie...when I was teensie weensie. Yeah, that small.

"Nobody Beats The Brick" they say. For decades I was under the impression that this was one of the best furniture stores, one of the most professional, and one of the oldest in the business. The problem was that I never had a reason to buy anything from there, up until a few years ago.

Picture this: Sicily, 1962, I was fighting for my life, standing in a pile of pasta.....wait, that isn't how the story went...

It was Mississauga, Ontario....sometime in 2004. I needed a couch or two. Where else would I go other than the place that nobody can beat?

Off to The Brick I went.

As I walked in, the vast sea of wood, cloth and glass overwhelmed my senses. I felt as if a lifetime of furniture had passed me by. A bit melodramatic, sure. Where is Oscar?

So, I start sifting through the goods. Sitting on this, touching that, sniffing the other. The Brick seemed like a nice place...then came the salesperson...

Sigh, I had no idea that the Brick was a used car lot. How was I supposed to know that when they said " Nobody Beats...", they meant that nobody has higher pressure, more slimy, untrustworthy looking salespeople. I mean, I started looking fondly at used car salesmen after this experience.

Maybe I'm being unfair, but this is my honest impression. Every single salesperson, every member of staff, the reception, the accountants, the advertisements, the pamphlets...all oozed slimeball. The salespeople looked like they were viciously fighting for the sale, and were not just "competitive". On top of it all, everyone looked very unhappy and depressed. I'm not saying most of them, I'm saying all of them. It was a horrible feeling being there.

The Brick will never be the same in my eyes again.

I now shop at IKEA mostly. Yes, I like it there. No pressure, no slimebags, no commission, and it's freaking cheap. I only ever go to the Brick for one of two reasons: Either they have a crazy sale on items I need, or I need to go get a new "SuperAwesomeCouch". Yes, the Brick has ONE set of couches that are, absolutely and by far (...in my opinion), the MOST comfortable couches on the planet. Most of everything else they have is mediocre or just plain crap, but these couches...wow. That is another story anyways.

So, to sum things up, The Brick is slimy.

I don't like their salespeople, most of their managers (one was ok), their advertiement tactics, and their prices are average and sometimes expensive for low quality products. I feel like I am being steamrolled into every purchase I make there. And this is not even mentioning the fact that every single employee you talk to there will ask you "Would you like an extended warranty with that? No? Are you sure? It is...blah blah blah." Go away.

Their products are mostly garbage, their selection is obviously wide, but we all know that, and despite that I usually can't find what I want in that place. I have bought two kitchen dinettes from them, and both fell apart the day they were delivered. One was the cheapest table they had, so I had that coming, but the second one was an expensive one, but the screw holes didn't match, they were clearly put together by an amateur, were made of very cheap materials, and ...man, I can go on and on. How terribly disappointing.

Oh, and they don't have free shipping. It cost me $75 to have a kitchen table that costs $150 delivered (the first one). Great. A superb way to build customer loyalty.

Anyways, The Brick is slimy and trash. Go somewhere else.

Go to IKEA, or some other independent furniture store or whatever. Just save yourself the grease.

haha...get it? Get it? Grease... Grief... hah....hha..see the....play on wor....ahem. Nevermind.

The Score:
Selection: 6.5/10
Product Quality: 4/10
Customer Assistance: 4/10
Shipping/Delivery: 6/10
Shopping Enjoyment: 3/10

Overall Score: 47/100

- Consumer #1337

Video Game Review: Lord of the Rings Online: Shadows of Angmar

2007-05-07T11:04:00.001-04:00

The Vitals:
Lord of the Rings Online: Shadows of Angmar
Game Type: Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game (MMORPG)
http://www.lotro.com/

The Sorty:
I started playing online video games more intensely about six years ago. Guild Wars was my first MMORPG (massively multiplayer online role playing game). I had heard of games like Dark Ages of Camelot, but I was turned off by the monthly payments. I reluctantly tried World of Warcraft and subsequently became quite obsessed with it. World of Warcraft has become, to myself...and most others, the game by which all other MMORPGs are measured.

Enter LOTRO stage left.

LOTRO has very large shoes to fit. WoW (World of Warcraft) is so massive, so rich, and so enjoyable that any game trying to compete would have to try to throw a curve ball and give players a reason to agree to paying another $15/month on top of their WoW $15/month, much less STOP the $15 WoW payments and convert entirely.

And this is the bottom line: The battle for the $15/month slot. Sure, many of us can afford this amount every month 5 times over, but some have just enough in their budget to afford the one, single $15/month payment.

On that note, LOTRO does many things very well and has a good fighting chance to take the #1 spot. These things include very beautiful scenery, an enormous world to play in, a massive selection of armor and weapons, a very impressive twist via the title system, Monster Play, and many other exceptional features.

But it has - in my opinion - two major flaws. One of these flaws can be fixed, and the other cannot.

The first flaw, the fixable one, is the fact that some cities are enormous and not organized well. It is very easy to get lost in them. I spent an excruciating 45 minutes looking for a Hunter Trainer in one of the main cities the other day. I finally found him, but I lost him again after having to traverse the city (a 7-8 minute run) to get to the auction house, since the game map does NOT memorize the position of most NPCs (non-player characters) you visit, only some - seemingly randomly.

To be honest, this is one of the main reasons I stopped playing and returned to World of Warcraft. In WoW, the cities are large, but very nicely sectioned into Class areas, making it easy to find your way to and back to your trainer/trader/whatever. In LOTRO, you are left wandering endlessly, especially upon entering a new capital city.

This, of course can be fixed with map notes - better ones that actually work - and other add-ons that make the user's life easier.

The second flaw, the unfixable one, is the player movement physics. Now, this is not a big deal to most, but it is to me. When I'm playing a role playing game, I prefer to enjoy the idea of actually being in the game...actually being that character. The problem is, why would I want to be an ugly, flat footed, leg-flailing, bad-postured freak whom I would not want to be in real life? Who designed these characters? They look depressed, unhealthy and unnatural. My human hunter runs like he has no control of his lower legs, flailing left and right as he runs. When standing, all game characters have visibly flat feet, and they slouch. What kind of a seasoned, well-trained "Champion" slouches, and hunches his shoulders forward when standing? Even the Elves...the elegant, graceful Elves: slouched, depressed and flat-footed.

And don't even get me started with "jumping" and other emotes. You can visibly see the "running" image of the character abruptly switch to the "jumping" one, with no smoothing transition at all. And the character looks absolutely rediculous in the process of the jump. This destroys much of the game-involvement, reminding you that you are watching a repeating 3D image of a computer generated figure with a wire-mesh world rendered around you. Due to this problem, I don't feel like I am in or a part of the game anymore - at least for a few minutes after I decide to never jump again.

There is no grace in any of these characters. If I met them in real life, I'd think they have a physical disability, and possibly a mental one as well. Clearly, loyalty and emotional attachment to the old player physics of Everquest has a dirty hand in this. A number of new games are also guilty of this. Everquest is outdated and ugly. Sure, cry about how it was the pioneer or the greatest or whatever all you want...the world has moved on, and so should you. Everquest simply looks ugly, and no game should be based on how it looks. Tell this to the makers of "Oblivion" as well.

All in all, this game is glossy, interesting and feature-filled; heck, it even borderlines revolutionary with some of its features. On the same footing, it is awkward, annoying and very confusing at times. Let's just hope that, in time, all the bugs will be ironed out. For the time being, it is in second place, if even that.

The Score:
Environment Graphics: 9/10
Player Graphics: 4/10
Userfriendliness 6/10
In-Game Features and "things to do": 9/10
Addictiveness: 7/10

Overall Score: 70/100

.
.
- Consumer #1337

Computer Retailer Review: Memory Express

2007-05-06T19:54:00.001-04:00

The Vitals:
Memory Express Computer Products Inc.
Locations in Calgary and Edmonton
www.memoryexpress.com

The Sorty:
What can I say about Memory Express that people don't already know? A lot, actually. I found it surprising how few people know of this store.

Memory Express is, by far, the best place to buy anything related to computers, especially repairs. Their prices are usually at least 20-30% cheaper than Futureshop/Best Buy and similar stores, their knowledge is far far superior to any of the monkeys working at other shops, and their service department has to be one of the friendliest and most helpful I have ever seen.

For example, I went to buy a new hard drive about two weeks ago. The Western Digital 250Gig drive at Futureshop was $149.99, but at Memory Express it was $99.95. Similarly, the BFG GeForce 8800 GTX video card was $799.99 at Futureshop, and was $729.95 at Memory Express, and they even had brands of the same video card (they are all really the same anyways) as low as $669.95.

As for their service, all I can say is "Wow!!" Their knowledge is fantastic. They understood RAID setups very well, whereas the entire "Geek Squad" in Best Buy had no idea what a RAID 5 was. The two guys who helped me build my last computer explained, in detail, why I should buy each and every part of the computer, proving everything they said with websites, articles, comparisons, and other staff opinions. I was left feeling very confident of my choices.

The tech support at Memory Express even let me in after hours to exchange a hard drive that was malfunctioning.

So they are cheaper, faster, more knowledgable and definitely more fun to be around. They even have a Memory Express Card, just like Futureshop, they price match, and they offer a good return policy.

Why the hell would anyone go anywhere else?

The Score:
Staff Availability: 9/10
Staff Knowledge: 10/10
Customer Service: 10/10
Product Availability: 9.5/10
Product Pricing: 10/10

Overall Score: 97/100
.
.
- Consumer #1337

Restaurant Review: Dawat Haute Cuisine Of India

2007-05-05T02:15:00.001-04:00

The Vitals:
Dawat Haute Cuisine Of India
780-469-3517
9250 34 AVE NW, Edmonton, Alberta

The Sorty:
It was Friday, May 4th, 2007 - a rainy afternoon. I was in need of a decent lunch, as I had forgotten to bring lunch to work this day.

Driving around in my 1991 Honda Accord, which isn't smelling too good these days, I decide to drive up Calgary Trail looking for some good grub. I was in the mood for Indian food.

After a few minutes of scooting around, I noticed the sign "Dawat: The Best Indian Food". I thought, "Hey! I want the Best Indian Food!"

After parking my car in the pouring rain, I notice that the windows of the restaurant were tinted with very dark tint. I thought to myself "Someone forgot that we are not 14 inches from the Equator." I don't get this thing with some people. Dark tint just looks creepy.

So, I walk into the dimly lit restaurant, and was taken aback by the piles of wine, beer and every other alcoholic beverage you can imagine. It was like they were preparing themselves for another Prohibition or something.

After waiting for less than a minute, the server approached me. The first thing he said to me was - and in a dry tone, "The buffet is closed." A little surprised at how abrupt and moderately welcoming he was, I replied that I was content with the regular menu.

He sat me where I wanted, which was nice. Being in a bit of a hurry, I quickly ordered the Butter Chicken (my all-time favorite), two Tandoori Rotis, a Pepsi and one order of Plain Rice.

My order came quickly, as I was the only person eating there, aaaaaand...that was about the end of the good part.

Now the bad. The butter chicken (usually a mild dish) was incredibly salty, almost unbearable. I had to pile on rice, yogurt and bread just to manage finishing it. The Tandoori Roti (usually a fluffy, soft flat bread) was crispy and mostly dry; hardly enjoyable. The Plain Rice was ok, but about as memorable as Joe T from American Idol. Yeah, I don't remember him either. And what the heck is up with "Haute Cuisine"? What a crap name.

At least the Pepsi was good.

The Score:
Food: 4/10
Service: 6/10
Atmosphere: 6/10
Location: 7/10
Repeat-Customer Worthiness: 3/10

Overall Score: 52/100

Do I even need to say to hell with ever going there again?
.

.
- Consumer #1337

Introduction: Welcome to My Life Reviewed

2007-05-05T01:54:00.000-04:00

It hit me like a sideswipe wind gust on a rainy day. I was eating at a local restaurant and thought the food was terrible. I tend to think of my life in articles and essays. This time, after writing up my usual mental editorial, I decided that maybe other people might be interested in what I have to think.

I realized that I needed a blog; a blog that has everything, literally.

This blog will be used to to write down short, quick and helpful reviews of every single thing I use that is worth reviewing. On days that I have nothing worth reviewing, I will write a review of something I have used in the past.

Maybe this little blog might be useful to someone somewhere. Maybe not. Who knows. I can't even count how many times I have searched for a trustworthy, honest, average-joe review of something I wanted to buy, but only found mediocre, biased opinions.

I didn't say that Im NOT gonna be biased, but that is because I'm always right, right? Right!

Thanks for reading. Throw me a comment once in a while...makes my reviews look deceivingly popular.

Oh, and a Disclaimer: I and anyone affiliated with me, and any one not affiliated with me, accept absolutely no responsibility for any harm, problems, issues, annoyances, damages, or any other word, reality or feeling you may or may not experience or even imagine experiencing due to anything I say, imply or don't say in anything I have written, typed or uploaded on this website and blog. Any problems you might experience from anything I have written is solely due to your being a dumbass. The truth hurts doesn't it.

- Consumer #1337