My Life Reviewed

The Internet is filled with crap. And you know what? I'm calling it the "Intercrap" now. I’m re-inventing the Internet!…wait, I mean the "Intercrap!!" and calling it out for what it is. And games? Well, most games are designed by asshats who say things like "DUDE, Zap that in the microwave DUDE", or "That's Rockin'!", and look back at "It's a Dell" fondly. Now, please excuse me while go take a shower after typing those words.

Sure, there are quite a few good games out there these days, and some cross into the “really good” realm, but how many are AWESOME? And I’m talkin’ all CAPS here.

"AWESOME!" How many? Well, I couldn't think of any...until now.

Story goes: I go out one day and buy Orange Box, because I want to try Team Fortress 2. I’ve kinda gotten bored with first-person shooters lately, but it looked really cool and fun. And it was really cool, and fun.

P.S.: By the way, I really don’t like EB Games. They are evil zombies that should be slapped with a dirty fat stick that has a smelly sock on the end and rusty nails sticking out of it. Why? Well, I would define EB Games as the “Sorry, we can’t do that” store. Ask them for anything, try it, and the first word that comes out of their mouth is “Sorry…”, then fill in the rest. If I say "Hi", they say "Sorr...oh, I mean Hi".

Off topic.

Anyways, so I buy Orange Box from EB Gay and go home to play it. Meh, it was fun, but nothing I would drool over. Weeks pass, and I’m off playing Age of Conan: Hyborian Adventures (pretty good, but still doesn’t beat WoW yet), Assassin’s Creed (soooo close to AWESOME, but the game play is a bit buggered sometimes), Guitar Hero III (alright, maybe this game is AWESOME, but let’s ignore that fact for now).

One day a friend of mine reminds me that Portal comes with Orange Box. He is a stupid geek, and I ignore him most of the time (yeah, that's right Brian), but I decide to let his echoing nerdy voice in my head tell me what to do for once, so I sit down to play Portal.

I mean, like, I eat an Age of Conan sandwich every night now, with a side of World of Warcraft Fries, and Guitar Hero for dessert. But after I loaded up Portal, I couldn’t stop. I finished 90% of it that same night (which sucked because I had work the next day and didn't get much sleep), and then finished the rest of the game off the next day. Then I played it over and over, and finished all the advanced maps and timed maps, then played it all over again, and then again.

I must say…

…this game is A.W.E.S.O.M.E.

Yes, all caps. Even periods too.

I mean, the game-play is fun, sure, and the puzzles are challenging and enjoyable, but that isn’t what makes it so awesome.

The intelligent, dark humor…the really cute voice of the robot…the super cute voices of the sentry guns…the "heart" cube…the cake…all of it: such pure enjoyment. I haven’t simply and purely enjoyed a game so much since…well, I think, ever. And the best part of the whole thing was the song at the end. I have downloaded it onto my iPod and I listen to it all the time now.

…I’m being .so. sincere right now.

That line keeps repeating in my head over and over. And I’ve had a smile on my face for a couple days now because of this game.

In all honesty, I would recommend buying Orange Box mainly for Portal, and the other games are just a bonus.

Oh and I've added the ending song (Portal Ending Song Video), which is now officially the greatest game song ever (ever) [ever], and I walk around humming this song all day.