Game Review: Orange Box - Portal

The Internet is filled with crap. And you know what? I'm calling it the "Intercrap" now. I’m re-inventing the Internet!…wait, I mean the "Intercrap!!" and calling it out for what it is. And games? Well, most games are designed by asshats who say things like "DUDE, Zap that in the microwave DUDE", or "That's Rockin'!", and look back at "It's a Dell" fondly. Now, please excuse me while go take a shower after typing those words.

Sure, there are quite a few good games out there these days, and some cross into the “really good” realm, but how many are AWESOME? And I’m talkin’ all CAPS here.

"AWESOME!" How many? Well, I couldn't think of any...until now.

Story goes: I go out one day and buy Orange Box, because I want to try Team Fortress 2. I’ve kinda gotten bored with first-person shooters lately, but it looked really cool and fun. And it was really cool, and fun.

P.S.: By the way, I really don’t like EB Games. They are evil zombies that should be slapped with a dirty fat stick that has a smelly sock on the end and rusty nails sticking out of it. Why? Well, I would define EB Games as the “Sorry, we can’t do that” store. Ask them for anything, try it, and the first word that comes out of their mouth is “Sorry…”, then fill in the rest. If I say "Hi", they say "Sorr...oh, I mean Hi".

Off topic.

Anyways, so I buy Orange Box from EB Gay and go home to play it. Meh, it was fun, but nothing I would drool over. Weeks pass, and I’m off playing Age of Conan: Hyborian Adventures (pretty good, but still doesn’t beat WoW yet), Assassin’s Creed (soooo close to AWESOME, but the game play is a bit buggered sometimes), Guitar Hero III (alright, maybe this game is AWESOME, but let’s ignore that fact for now).

One day a friend of mine reminds me that Portal comes with Orange Box. He is a stupid geek, and I ignore him most of the time (yeah, that's right Brian), but I decide to let his echoing nerdy voice in my head tell me what to do for once, so I sit down to play Portal.

I mean, like, I eat an Age of Conan sandwich every night now, with a side of World of Warcraft Fries, and Guitar Hero for dessert. But after I loaded up Portal, I couldn’t stop. I finished 90% of it that same night (which sucked because I had work the next day and didn't get much sleep), and then finished the rest of the game off the next day. Then I played it over and over, and finished all the advanced maps and timed maps, then played it all over again, and then again.

I must say…

…this game is A.W.E.S.O.M.E.

Yes, all caps. Even periods too.

I mean, the game-play is fun, sure, and the puzzles are challenging and enjoyable, but that isn’t what makes it so awesome.

The intelligent, dark humor…the really cute voice of the robot…the super cute voices of the sentry guns…the "heart" cube…the cake…all of it: such pure enjoyment. I haven’t simply and purely enjoyed a game so much since…well, I think, ever. And the best part of the whole thing was the song at the end. I have downloaded it onto my iPod and I listen to it all the time now.

…I’m being .so. sincere right now.

That line keeps repeating in my head over and over. And I’ve had a smile on my face for a couple days now because of this game.

In all honesty, I would recommend buying Orange Box mainly for Portal, and the other games are just a bonus.

Oh and I've added the ending song (Portal Ending Song Video), which is now officially the greatest game song ever (ever) [ever], and I walk around humming this song all day.

Well done Valve. An A+ and a "Yes, Please".

- Consumer #1337

20 Reviews @ 20 Words Or Less: (Seriously)

Freaking Crap. What an AWESOME IDEA! I mean, sure, it won't be as awesome as the picture to the right, but it's close...
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Im going to review 20 things using 20 words or less for each review.
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LET'S GOOOO....

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1- Carrots (www.carrotmuseum.co.uk): More oranger than oranges, precious things like diamonds and gold are judged by them, and I can EAT them. A+

2- Logitech Z-2300 2.1 Computer Speakers (Product Link): THE BEST 2.1 speakers on earth. I never ever exaggerate either.

3- Zebra Sarasa 0.7mm Medium Point Gel Retractable Pen (Product Link): I love this pen. I use it for drawing, writing, scribbling, defacing, gouging, poking, scratching, cutting and playing darts.

4- Guitar Hero III For PC (community.guitarhero.com): Damn you "Through Fire and Flames". I can only get to 70% on Hard.

5- Kate Beaton's Online Comics (www.katebeaton.com): One of the most intelligent and funny online comics. Definitely a favorite. Canadian History: Now With 82% Less Suck.

6- White Boards (Wiki): White. Fun. And I sometimes draw diagrams on them for no reason at all. Lunch? Let me draw a diagram!

7- Domestic Vehicles: S.U.C.K.

8- Blackberry 7290 (Product Link): Whoever designed this phone was probably related to Richard Simmons, but was even more retarded...and gay.

9- The Pakistani Accent (A Fine Example): Fun to do. May lead to involuntary dog kicking and changing your internet providings.

10- Secret Broadcast (Myspace): Super awesome indie canadian band. They kick your ass, and then hand you the bill for the shoes they used.

11- Internet Slang: lolololololololololololololololol Roflcopterwtfbbq. www.lolthemovie.com lmao...wtf?

12- Talking To People While The Are In The Bathroom At Work: I DON'T FREAKING GET IT. GO AWAY. I'M TRYING TO PEE HERE. Stupid WIERDOS... (Im not the only one who hates this)

13- Logitech MX Revolution (Product Link): Could be better, but it is the best mouse on the market. Too bad the MX1000 has been discontinued.

14- Japanese Drum n Bass: So much better than I expected. It-a kicks-a you asso, HAI !!! Check out The Future Sound of Tokyo. Awesome.

15- WestJet (www.westjet.com): Better than Air Canada. Better seats, nicer staff, cheaper flights (usually) and I can use expired creditcards to order movies.

16- Dove Beauty Bar (Product Link): Really gay name. Embarassing for men to buy. Best soap I've used to date.

17- Global Obusforme Ergonomic Chair (Product Link): Simply wow...it cost about $600 and totally worth it. Holds your back in ways you never thought possible. A+

18- That New White Correction Tape Eraser Crap (like here): Please stop making them. Everyone should just go back to the good old liquid white-out (like here)...pleaaase.

19- Albian Village (the "camp" where I stay when Im working up in the oilfields in northern Alberta. There is a review here before it opened HERE): Place designed by idiots, rules set up idiots, everything run by idiots, and inhabited by a large population of idiots.

20- Me: I know how to type. I can't tap dance tho.

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Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the above-posted demonstration of time-wastery. Send me a comment if you have anything to say...such as a comment.

- Consumer #1337

Aaaand Back...

Knight Rider says: "Bellbottoms are A.O.K.!"

Sorry for being away for so long. Although I don't expect anyone to break into tears of joy, I will act like you care anyways.

I've decided to start writing reviews again. I've been busy playing World of Warcraft (I deleted the old review, since it totally sucked and Im gonna write a new one for the heck of it), and I've been working on my new comic (its pretty stupid). I've also been working endless hours (big money up in here them oilfieldses).

What will the upcoming reviews be on, you ask?? Well, I'm not sure, but I think I might do some on online comics, computer desks, personality types, pants, shaving razors, piercings vs tattoos, tourettes vs epilepsy (which one is more fun to watch?), swear words, hair cuts, clothing stores, bands/music, more video games, TV shows, french people, pillows, work out programs, hot famous women, cool famous guys, the lamest person on earth (or the biggest douchebag, whichever), my OWN comic (damn straight!), shoes, best jobs ever, coolest haircuts ever, the best pickup lines ever (like, the REAL best ones, not the stupid ones), aaaand many others.

So, stay tuned...if you are even still there. lol

- Consumer #1337